Diapers & Messengers

I could tell you about many things today. We live in a world where the abundance of human beings, on a daily basis, creates an incredible amount of stories worthy of narration. Events, anecdotes and absurd news are a' plenty. The world is small, the world is big; depends on your point of view, and your budget. Funny things happen. Less funny things also happen.



And so sometime during the last week-end, astronaut Lisa Nowak left Houston in her car and drove to Orlando, where she arrived early on Monday after a 900 miles drive. The most interesting part, from an article by Martin Merzer published today in the Miami Herald :

She donned adult diapers -- similar to those used by astronauts during launches and landings -- so she wouldn't have to make bathroom stops, police said. Two soiled diapers later were found in her car.

Police was at some point involved because Nowak - carrying a BB gun, a knife and pepper spray - was on her way to meet & confront Colleen Shipman, who has the infortune of dating William Oefelein. And mister Oefelein happens to be a stud worth fighting over, apparently. Funny thing is that Nowak, who's 43, is married to a NASA flight controller and they have two kids.



Let's get back to the diapers. What kind of "time gain" are we looking at now ? If you stop to take a leak, it can take about 5 minutes before you start up your car and resume the trip. If the stop is for "number 2", we're looking (depending on your eating habits) at roughly 5 to 15 minutes. What could possibly possess you to decide NOT to stop for bathroom visits ? The fact that you don't like public facilities ? Would you rather bathe in your own urine - or worst, excrements - while driving and be nauseated by the smell in the confort of your car ?

The most troubling fact of this fine piece of news is not the stalking, or the fact that Nowak is an astronaut - every profession has its nutjobs. It is the mental images that come to mind when trying to picture this woman on the way to vengeance, driving on a highway, and trying to remove her soiled diaper to avoid stopping the car at all costs. Then, once this almost-impossible task has been completed, to once more become a contortionist and put on another diaper, this time clean, but for how long ?

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Ever thought about why people don't go to the movies as much as they used to ? Yes, there's a big part played by piracy and the web, and an equally big part played by the constant supersizing of home theaters, but there is also a plague we seldom think about : movie 'tards.



Movie 'tards can do anything : eat popcorn, nachos, get out of the theater while the movie runs, forget to close their cell phone or worse, answer it when it rings. They can also talk, chat, kick in your seat, behaviors that are generally unacceptable during a public viewing. When you agree to pay to see a movie with other people you may or may not know, you kind of sign a contract with your credit card or your hard earned dollars - the same social contract your mother signed with her blood when she gave you birth, stating that you had to SHARE the planet with other human beings, wether you liked it or not.

I have many friends who stopped going to the movies because they're fed up of moviegoers who think that the theater belongs to them, or seem to oversee the fact that they are no longer sitting on their living room couch. It's very simple : if you watch a movie with other people you don't know, the first and most basic rule is to SHUT THE FUCK UP.



Which brings me to Thursday Feb. 1st, at the Paramount. I won some passes for the premiere of THE MESSENGERS, as always with the Mirror. I was interested to see this movie for numerous reasons : I like movies taking place on a farm, I love horror movies, and I quite like the Pang brothers. THE MESSENGERS happen to be their first "american" movie, taking place on a North Dakota farm, and being quite HORRIFIC. I opted out of the CCA's free projection of BIOSPHERE in favour of that, for chrissakes !



It's the story of a family moving to a remote sunflower farm, trying to start a new small town life after an untold accident. The "accident" will remain a secret almost until the end of the movie, and is quite a disappointment. You would have expected something trashy, or scandalous, but the revelation is quite banal. But don't judge the rest on that observation.

Yes, the special effects are good, but not always that good. And the pace is slow, but that's how we like it. There are buried secrets that will slowly reveal themselves, until the conclusion where everything is thrown in your face - and, for a change, it actually makes sense. Those of you who have seen THE EYE and other Pang brothers "classics" will recognise some effects here and there, but the similitudes stop there - there's something going on, in the great open, and if you just let yourself go you'll be scared.

But I wasn't. Quite simply put, there were some people working very hard to make sure that NOBODY enjoys the movie. The "open door policy" of the Paramount resulted in some people still coming in a good 30 minutes after the start of the movie. Not of the never-ending preview reels, no, but the start of the main feature itself.

It would appear that the studio is also very scared of piracy. Our bags were searched at the door. There were some security dudes everywhere, and one of them was even dressed in white, with grades on the shoulders of his shirt : he was the boss. You have to appreciate a guy dressed in white in a theater, especially when he's constantly walking around, in front of the screen, looking at the moviegoers with binoculars. Because that's what he was there for. Between his rounds, he would also go to the side of the room to chat out loud with his buddies.



On top of feeling like we were convicts who have been given the temporary right to watch a movie for our good conduct, before being thrown back to our cells, it made the suspension of disbelief impossible. It constantly clashed with the momentum the movie was trying to establish with its audience.

I wrote to the Paramount a couple of days afterwards, and was told that the studio (Sony Pictures) only rented the space and provided the room with its own security. Would you take a look at how pathetically lame the way they wash their hands of any responsibility is ? They also advised me to forward my concerns to Sony. Something I will do, for sure, but that leaves me bitter.

The successive ruining of many moviegoing experiences for me has almost convinced me never to set foot in there again. Not that I usually pay. But even putting my buns on one of their seats will look like I'm giving up on my dignity now. And it's not something we want, do we ?